I wanted to share my story because for me conceiving wasn’t a walk in the park. I struggled to understand why I was facing these obstacles and I felt alone, but in July 2017 all of that changed and I was faced with this beautiful new challenge. I knew then ‘great things really do come to those who wait’, but before I get into that… Let’s start from the beginning.

When I was 15 I was diagnosed with PCOS. (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) The first thing I said was could I have children? This awful dream-crushing nurse said no and that broke my heart. Even after a number of doctors telling me that what she said was false and even if I can’t conceive naturally, you have IVF or medications that can kick start your body. I felt disheartened and let down by myself.  I tried to carry on with normal life, after all I was a 15 year old girl, I didn’t want to think about babies. (That’s what I told myself, though secretly I now yearned for a baby of my own one day) Years went by and I did start to believe that shitty nurse, her little statement stuck in my head like an ear worm! So when me and my partner went on holiday to Dominican Republic (best holiday ever!) we had to take Malaria tablets. The doctor advised us not to fall pregnant within the next 6 months as if you did catch Malaria it can cause problems to the fetus, well to me that wasn’t an issue.  I hadn’t fallen pregnant before so what was the chances now… well… a month later a little miracle happened! Paha, who would have thought! Either way it worked, I had those two very faint lines but they were there. That is where my story began; it was a fairly simple pregnancy until about 30 weeks. From there I had a few complications, suffering with high blood pressure, and Roman developing smaller than the expected weight.

During labor Roman’s heart rate started dropping so our midwife and other doctors acted fast and hurried us into theatre where Roman was delivered by a cesarean.

Seeing those tiny hands and a full head of hair, it was just love at first sight, but quickly after Roman was born he was rushed off to the NICU where he was monitored for infection as I was suffering with one, but my baby that I’ve waited so long to meet was taken away from me within minutes. I felt completely helpless, I couldn’t move, my baby boy wasn’t here nor my partner, all I could do was wait. That day felt like a lifetime, every second felt like a minute and every minute felt like hour, but after a week of being in hospital I was finally allowed home where I would encounter this new territory and learn the new meaning of exhaustion. I don’t remember what life was like before Roman, but all I know is that I wouldn’t go back.

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When I look back at the first 6 months of Roman’s life, it’s all a bit of a blur now. I think the first few months were just getting through each day. We were sleep deprived yet the days felt clearer. I was so excited yet so nervous. I was a new mum, but unaware of so much.

I didn’t know latching on would be such a challenge or why my body didn’t just ‘bounce’ back to my pre- pregnancy stage, and I wasn’t just talking about weight, but also about health, menstrual cycles and emotions.

I didn’t know those 3 days in to being blessed with this beautiful child, you become extremely emotional. The nurses warned me at the hospital. You can become depressed, anxious and emotional from where your hormones are adjusting and by Day 3 that is exactly what happened. Third day in and I cried, I cried all day! I was still in hospital and I just remember breaking down to the midwives and my partner about how I wanted to go home, and that it was so painful to move from my scaring and that I had to wear these disgusting net pants, but why wouldn’t you break down. You have just gone through this whirlwind shit storm, one minute you are relaxing with your swollen feet up, rubbing your rounded belly feeling them little flutters that have now turned into rib breaking upper cuts, imagining if this little ninja will have dark hair or dimples, then next thing you are lying on the hospital bed just after going through this intense back breaking pain to be left with deflated beach ball belly, looking like a 75 years old with a catheter in, white stocking on and a fishing net as pants. I can tell you, I did not feel sexy but I did feel empowered. My body has just created this tiny human with a heart and a button nose and yes little dimples on each cheek. I just made this baby that I will protect and direct on to the right paths.

First month

Once the tornado of chaos settled, and I was slightly adjusted in to my new baby proof home and all the visitors had been and gone, I just breathed a little. I didn’t realise how over whelming it all was until about 2 weeks into it. They were the fastest two weeks, and now I was about to face all day on my own with Roman as paternity was over.

What I learnt in month One-

• Breastfeeding is hard, Roman struggled with the latching.
• Roman hated his Moses basket; we eventually invested in a next to me bed, which was a god send. He felt closer as he always wanted to be on me, so I was able to hold his hand and let him know I was near.
• Roman also hated sleeping on his back. He would wake a lot from it. I was too scared to have him sleep on his chest as they advise against it but eventually my partner tried him on his front and he slept most of that night.
• How many clothes one child goes through each day.
• He really does just eat, sleep and shit.
• He has a better tan than me.
• When is the right time to bath him?
• I can’t take a nice photo of him sleeping as half my tit is now photo bombing the sleeping beauty.
• The pupils of his eyes are almost all black, why is there no colour
• Am I winding him properlyContinue reading “The wake up call 0-3months”